Pip and Paul
In a word, I had been too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong. I had had no intercourse with the world at that time, and I imitated none of its many inhabitants who act in this matter. Quite an untaught genius, I made the discovery of the line of action for myself.
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
I am having the most wonderful time reading Dickens' Great Expectations, which I first encountered in junior high school, but never finished. It has been on my shelf for a long long time, waiting for me to begin again, which I finally did this week. About half of the way through the novel as of today, I am grieving for Pip as he tries so hard to be what he is not that he becomes ashamed of what he was, and embarrassed by those who loved him as he was. I remain in a cloud of unknowing about the end of the book. Do not tell me.
The lines I quoted above have me wondering - not for the first time - if we are pure of heart until corrupted by the world, or if thereis within us something that kicks in, and when it does, and we realize that what we want and what others want is notalways the same thing, we don't care. We want what we want, whether it is good, or wise, or kind, or fair. We want. Period. It's one of many definitions of sin: that self-absorption that refuses to see beyond the wanting.
St. Paul writes "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do" (Romans 7:21). I wrestle with the concept of "original sin". But Pip describes exactly what St. Paul is writing about, and also states that he didn't learn this behavior from the world, but "made the discovery of the line of action for myself". In other words, it was original to him, as it seems to be to each of us. To be thwarted is outrageous, and awful. To realize that those who love you can also be ashamed of you, and to beashamed of yourself, is more awful. That's when you kick yourself out of the garden, and really, who needs an angel with a fiery sword to bar the way back in? We do it perfectly well ourselves. That, I guess, is why we are reminded, over and over, in the prayers, in the baptismal vows, and in the Bible, to relinquish our hold on anything, ANYTHING, that draws us from the love of God. Including - and most of all - our tight grips on everything else.
Well, I'm trying. That's all I can report.
Back to junior high.... My family moved overseas before my class finished the book. I don't remember any of what I read then. But I do remember the teacher asking, "Why did the escaped convict grab Pip and shake him?" And I do remember what Timmy Rowe said: "He wanted to make Pip squeak."